I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
