wanna go halves on a baby?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
