I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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