Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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