My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize