this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
