and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
