We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
