I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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