What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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