You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
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