Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
