As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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