The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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