hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
