hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
