This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
