my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize