Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
