I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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