I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
