the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
