My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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