turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize