lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
