I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize