finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
