i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
