On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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