Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I skipped work to stalk him.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
