so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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