Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Holy sore nipples Batman
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
