I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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