Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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