I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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