i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
