Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
