At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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