He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
