Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
