can u get pink eye on your cock?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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