How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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