no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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