Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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