Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
