haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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