i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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