Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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