sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
