Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
