I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
