I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize