LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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