You made me cry and you don't even care
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
