Im at strip club and am horny
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Less talking, more tequila
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize