Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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