When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
