Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
