How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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